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From There to Eternity My Journey In and Out of “ISKCON” |
In the late
summer of 2010, I was morose. I was at home on the outskirts of Mumbai (Bombay) sitting on the couch, flipping through
television channels. There I contacted Aindra Prabhu
performing kirtana. I had known that Caitanya Mahaprabhu was a bhakti
yogi, but I was amazed to find out Caitanya Mahaprabhu is Lord Gauranga, God,
Krsna, the Supreme Lord in golden form. Lord Nityananda was Balarama. I happened to read a few introductory
sentences of one book where it was stated that anyone who does not chant the
name Gauranga and Nityananda
in this age is most unfortunate. It just hit me very strong, and I became
serious about devotional life. I found some forums on the INTERNET stating that
chanting Gauranga and Nityananda
is non-different from chanting the Hare Krishna maha-mantra, so I took it up
enthusiastically. At this time, I had been attending yoga classes. In philosophy discussion, we were asked to present our understanding on selected verses of Bhagavad-gita. Although I was previously interested in sankhya yoga, I discovered that it was atheistic. Now my interest grew in Bhagavad-gita, the theism attributed to His Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada. I was many times coming across Srila Prabhupada’s teachings during various web searches on different topics, but I still had not researched who Srila Prabhupada was. I was
becoming convinced by reading Bhagavad-gita that bhakti-yoga is the
topmost yoga. These so-called teachers of philosophy were uselessly
misinterpreting the verses. The meaning in Srila Prabhupada’s
purports were self-evident. After reading Perfection of Yoga, I
was firmly convinced that bhakti-yoga was better. Thus, I felt uncomfortable in my current
situation. I desired to know who Srila Prabhupada was. I searched on YouTube
and came across Srila Prabhupada’s poisoning; I was shattered to know that some
of his disciples may have poisoned him. Begin the “ISKCON” Trip Then, at the
end of December, 2010, after yoga class, I visited the Mumbai “ISKCON” temple.
I picked up a copy of Bhagavad-gita and bought it. I was short of ten
rupees, but the devotee who sold it to me anyway invited me to attend something
called the youth program. I decided to do so. I was, by this
time, chanting Hare Krishna maha-mantra and was intently reading Srila
Prabhupada’s books. I was also reading Srila Prabhupada’s instructions about
chanting. My home environment was ridden with tension. I was not completing
things that I had started, leaving them half finished. Sometimes, I
used to visit what was called the ISKCON Youth Forum office. By this time, I
had caught the attention of the speaker of the program, who happened to be the
head of department of this office. He invited me to Jagannath
Rath Yatra in the summer of
2011. Later, during this yatra, I was aghast at
seeing the mismanagement in book and food distribution. Still, I
decided to take up chanting sixteen rounds, but I couldn’t do it for more than a
few days. The next week, I attended a program held by Radhanath
Swami. I was introduced to one more devotee, from my college, who happened to
be of the same caste, and he knew my cousin-brother intimately. He told me
about dovetailing activities is Krsna consciousness. I was intently listening
to Radhanatha but found his lecture boring. Gradually, I
started spending more time at the temple. I had once again picked up chanting
sixteen rounds per day. In the morning, I used to reach the temple by 7.30 or
8.00 a.m. and spent the next two hours chanting. Although I had mildly
appreciated Bhagavatam class during my initial visits, I really
preferred chanting japa. Then, slowly, under the
guidance of the departmental head, I began distributing books. My parents were
puzzled, since now I was leaving home early in the morning and returning late
at night. I was a getting the hang of distribution, and my shyness was
disappearing. Also, a brahmacari used to assist us
enthusiastically; he was a Radhanath disciple. He was
also a bit irregular. He used to tell us about initiation, but I found him to
be little more than a cloned facsimile of his “guru.” The temple
eating facility was a very dirty place, full of insects, discarded food, and
rather animalistic behavior; it was in the section known as the basement. I
spoke to the departmental head about these conditions. He told me that the
visitors were less advanced souls, and we must tolerate their behavior; I was not satisfied
with this explanation. He assured me that he would speak to the person in charge
of that department, who turned out to be a grumpy, foul-mouthed “brahmin.” That fellow particularly liked to chastise the
security guards, but this was nothing new. The next
three months, a subordinate friendship with an established book distributor,
who was like a mentor, developed. I had, by this time, shifted from attending
lectures to distributing books for the whole evening. Our stall was outside.
The authorities didn’t like the idea of us distributing books out there,
however. Our scores increased for three months straight and never before had
book distribution been carried out from this stall. However, my departmental
head would often disappear into his office, especially when I needed him to be
with me to protect me from the battering by the vikarmis. During this
time, I had discovered The Guru Business on the INTERNET. I was
shattered once more by learning about such a murder in the movement. It
produced more dissatisfaction. I also discovered a schism, one camp of which
called themselves rittviks; the Mumbai temple was involved in a court case with
that rittvik Banglore temple. One of the main men
accused in the Sulochana dasa murder case turned out
to be Radhanath Swami. I felt great fear. I even
discovered a few sites listing the bogus gurus of “ISKCON.” During book
distribution, seeing the behavior of so many congregational devotees, I felt
that something was wrong. I asked my
departmental head about these problems in “ISKCON” and mentioned the rittviks.
He didn’t appreciate my question and chastised me heavily: “What do you want to
do? Change the entire thing? You can’t do it! Just have faith in your service
and Srila Prabhupada. Book distribution is the best service, so chant sixteen
rounds.” I foolishly bought it. After all, I was considering him my “siksa
guru.” I had even once asked him how I could know about my nature. He told me
that chanting makes one transcendental; we must not think about who we are in
material life. I was not convinced. As such,
he told me that, if I wanted to, I could dabble in some astrology. I appeared
for my exams and thereafter immediately got heavier into book distribution. We
were getting adoration from the student devotees and our names were even
announced after mangal arati.
During these times, I was entertaining ideas of rittvik, since I was not at all
satisfied with the sannyasis. I noticed some senior
men had homosexual tendencies, and I was becoming disillusioned by all of them.
After three
months of book distribution, my mentor left for his native place to explain
things to his parents about his joining the temple. I felt lonely. Also,
devotees used to flatter me, asking how I managed to distribute so many books.
They used to tell me how advanced I was. I used to tell them to read books and
sometimes instruct them with a misunderstanding that I was their siksa guru. On the INTERNET, I had found one devotee burning copies of the Lilamrta. Now I was learning about the book changes. I was never fond of the Lilamrta. I sometimes observed that a few devotees were imitators of Srila Prabhupada. Around this time, I came into initial contact with the Vaishnava Foundation website. I went through a number of articles such as Krishna Consciousness and Cracked Cord of Discord. I was firmly convinced that Lilamrta is offensive. In these articles, I found something which seemed to apply to me but, being on the mental platform of accept/reject, I soon rejected it as mental speculation on the part of the author.
The next
day, I approached my departmental head with questions
about the book changes. He said that they were only
slight grammar changes, as Srila Prabhupada’s English
was “unique.” I wasn’t convinced. I told him I had found
something else on the web. He became furious and said that the INTERNET is a
place of so much rubbish. Allegedly, many devotees in the past had fallen
victim to propaganda from the INTERNET. He said that it should be avoided,
since it was very bad for spiritual life. He told me that he had contact with Jayadvaita Swami—the chief devotee behind all of the book
changes--and that he would visit the temple during the G.B.C. meetings next
year. It was suggested that I approach
him with my doubts. Once, during
book distribution, I spoke to a person who calmly listened to me without
opposition. After I stopped speaking, he told that he had been a devotee in the
Mumbai temple a few years back. He had helped the current temple president
(who, at that time, was also the manager of the guest house) to collect crores of rupees, in order to allegedly build a complex for
the temple inmates. It was to be called
“Heaven on Earth.” In prosecuting that pie in the sky, this fellow told me he
laundered thousands of rupees and had been caught. The temple president did not protect him, he was threatened by the temple authorities and kicked
out. He told that the temple president is the most rascal person you would
find. I seriously thought he might indeed be right. He advised me that I owed
it to myself to get the real facts. I would see him more over the next few
weeks, especially at Sunday feasts. I was
scared, because I thought he may be harmful to my spiritual life. Still, I knew
he was serious. He would tell me that he could bring the whole temple complex
down, including the president. He helped me to realize the contradiction of the
authorities renting out a temple hall for business exhibitions and other
non-Vaishnava purposes, such as mundane marriage ceremonies. I finally started to see some light. After this,
I only wanted to become educated in the eternal philosophy, and considered that
solely pushing books was not enough. In the temple, however, our youth group
in-charge was not at all interested in training us. We used to have small
meetings comprising students, who were then put in charge of organizing some
kind of Saturday program, along with what was supposed to be a follow up. All
these discussions were just so much hot air, disorganized—and philosophy was
almost always missing. I finally avoided them altogether. I had some ideas I
wanted to develop, but my suggestions were always neglected. The leaders used
to spend so much time plotting and scheming, but all their plans would more or
less always fail. Down Some More Rabbit Holes I happened
to find a site called Rupanuga Vedic College. With my departmental head, I
discussed the prospects of my visiting this college, but he told me that the
West is really tough for practicing Krsna consciousness. He suggested the
Bhaktivedanta College, where the courses were accredited. I looked at the syllabus, and it didn’t exactly
seem to be imparting Krsna conscious education. Nevertheless, I convinced my
grandfather about the idea, explaining to him the details of the course and how
I could become a professor of religion after its completion. He agreed to it,
so I prepared to secure a passport. I was especially interested in the
traveling sankirtan party the college advertised. I thought I could get
training in book distribution and also learn more about the eternal devotional
philosophy. On this
basis, I researched on topics related to Danavir
Goswami, the headmaster. He had written academic papers. I became a bit peeved
when I similarly found that there were criticisms of these papers. I found an
article called Guru Tattva by Sadhudas Anudas, wherein he used
the term “corporate” in refering to “ISKCON”. Just after
my local college again started up in the fall of 2011, I came to also find out
about V.O.I.C.E. (Vedic Oasis for Inspiration Culture and Education). Its
leader was but another Radhanath disciple. That made
me hesistant, and the books were
arranged in textbook manner, with a fill-in-the- blank format and was
not supposedly based on Srila Prabhupada’s books. Also, I had found out that
its psychological seminars--which I eventually found time to attend--were all
based on written works centered around the power of
mind control. I had no taste for hearing lectures along these lines. V.O.I.C.E.
had a rigorous time-table indicating that it may be bona fide, but I soon
realized that the whole scam was simply mechanical. Prior to my
planned journey to America and the Rupanuga Vedic College, I was considering an
option of becoming trained in the temple program. It was called the Vaishnava
Training Academy. Once moving into the temple, I felt enthusiastic—for the
first few days. I got access to the brahmacari
kitchen and used to help there in the afternoons. Three other helpers had been
employed, along with a main cook and his paid assistant. Standards were very
poor, and rats could be seen scampering all over the place. It was very dirty.
Having moved to the temple, I found the food too heavy. Sometimes menus were
foolish. These so-called bhaktas were not different
in their behavior from basement people, except they wore saffron dress. We were
all trained to overlord those below us in the hierarchy, also. Actually, I even kow-towed to the other
co-departmental head of the youth wing. He was bold and audacious. He had a personal servant,
a young boy who lived nearby the temple. That boy later, under his direction,
suddenly moved to Mayapur, and this made me wonder. The co-departmental head
was also a teacher at the Vrindavan Institute of Higher
Learning. He told me about his big, big plan to establish 108 centers
throughout Bombay. He started laying the scheme out, and he told how he had
everything ready. Just as Srila Prabhupada had 108 temples established
worldwide, this fellow would have 108 such
centers—but all in one Indian metropolitan area. He outsourced work to me,
beginning with pamphlet distribution. I was having
problems washing clothes. I was not able to read. My book distribution output
was going down. My time management was weak, and I was compromising on studies,
with exams right around the corner.
Somehow or other, I was able to pass them. Right after the exams, I was entrusted with
“GBC seva,” along with some other students, under the
guidance of the aforementioned co-departmental head. I was critical of the GBC,
as I could observe their actual behavior. The practice of eating leftover food
from the “sannyasi” plates was eagerly followed by
some devotees; once the show was over, everyone would just pounce on leftover
food. Around this
time, I was growing more and more dissatisfied with my decision to move into
the temple. I also read in a purport where it was mentioned that demons would
dissipate the eternal knowledge and its absolute value for no one’s benefit,
and they would devise all types of interpretations according to personal whims.
The thought crossed my mind that this was just what I was experiencing in this
setting. I needed a retreat, as I was becoming convinced that I was surrounded
by sahajiyas, with whom I had no eternal connection. I found this retreat by
gaining access to the temple library. During this
time I found out from a disciple of Danavir Goswami
that his college program had failed completely. It now consisted of nothing but
an online course. I began to yearn for getting back into book distribution. A
new counselor asked me to join another youth preaching program in a college at Jaipur, so I gave that a try. The temple was only under
construction, however, with a few brahmacaris and
couple of grhasthas, who all had television sets in
their apartments. There was no activity at the temple, except when it came time
to eat. The whole atmosphere was quite disgusting. In the month
of December, 2011, a Mumbai marathon had been initiated. This superficially
changed the atmosphere in the temple. In no small part, this may have been due
to a program accompanying this marathon, viz., those
who went out had a full feast of food served to them every night. I also
thought I should go out, because I could step my game up—and, yes, I could also
get more and better food. Despite the fact that I was once again reading Srila
Prabhupada’s books, I felt duped by the entire thing, as it seemed to me to be
solely a business arrangement. After the
marathon, another brahmacari devotee joined at the
book stall. He used to distribute books near the main book stall within the
temple, under the auspices of the Bhaktivedanta Institute. Now he had shifted
to the outside stall, since there were some problems with the management. I used
to discuss various institutional problems with him; he was of the opinion that
all of those were solely due to envy. I used to serve
the head librarian during the afternoons before going out for books. He was definitely
overburdened and readily accepted my help. But he was a sycophant to higher ups
and would easily lose his temper. I was getting affected by his association,
but he would let me access controversial or even taboo books. I had found him
accessing adult sites. One
Vaishnava Training Academy fanatic spoke to me how we should simply follow the
authority, that this is the only basis for spiritual life. He pointed out how
my distribution figures had fallen. He reminded me that I had been caught
surfing on the INTERNET by the other co-departmental head. He browbeat me: My seva was failing! He expressed his serious displeasure with
me. I told him I needed proper time to study and mentioned how essential it was
to discuss topics related to controversies. He did not accept any of this, but,
instead, reminded me how a devotee, who had been in the high post of temple
commander, was removed and forced from the temple, simply because he developed
problems with management. I was
confronted by the departmental head, who made it clear
that he was not pleased with my attitude; he said that I had to become humble.
Soon thereafter, the Vaishnava Training Academy fanatics approached me, asking
if I was actually comfortable living within the temple. I was open to where
they were coming from, as it appeared to be a chance to leave. I told him that
obviously I was not doing well, pointing to being unable to follow up with
Vaishnava Training Academy, as well as the fact that my enthusiasm for
distributing books had diminished. I suggested that I would rather shift back
home. They said that I had to change my
view in order to stay. I had to realize
that, no matter how devotees behave, it does not really matter, since we are
all diseased, and, therefore, gathered at the temple for treatment. I was by
this time not buying any of it, seeing clearly that all of it led down but
another rabbit hole. I had read the article by Srila Bhaktisiddhanta entitled Organized
Religion in the library, and I was beginning to see the hypocrisy. In due
course, I made repeated trips home for prasadam and accessing the INTERNET,
since that facility was now restricted to me at the temple. By this time, I
also started again listening to Aindra prabhu’s
lectures and kirtans. I used to listen to a lecture where he urged all the
institution’s devotees to revolution. I was not fearing
authorities much anymore. At the
temple, I convinced the brahmacari at the book stall
to perform sankirtan. I had a mridunga,
and it went on very nicely for a few weeks. The book stall was right outside
the temple, and the authorities were not pleased. They said it was no use performing there and
gave strict orders to close it down. I even kow-towed to the Bhaktivedanta Institute devotees for some
service, against my better judgment. I had an association with its leader
once and asked him about various issues confronting movement. He was vague in
his answers. I told him about my condition and accompanied him to his room. As
soon as we entered, he lied down on his sofa and assured me not to worry about
any problems. He was most unimpressive. My Emergence from “ISKCON” Around this
time, I came across the article Ages
and Stages of Man and Movement, written by Kailasa Candra dasa, the
leader of the group. I had previously (but only once) come to this site and
even saved that same article for further reading. This time I read it
completely, and I was blown away. As a student, one of my favorite subjects was
history. I kept in mind this site for reading some more of its articles, and I
regularly did so. From this site, returntosquareone.com, I was directed to a
site called the Vaishnava Foundation. It jogged my memory that I had once
previously accessed this site also, where I had found that article on Lilamrta. What I was
observing within the “ISKCON” temple was so clearly and logically presented in
these articles. One article by Kailasa Candra prabhu caught my attention in
another way, especially a paragraph found in Beyond Contradictory
Religions: “Confirmation of one thesis results
in the logical exclusion of all others which oppose and contradict it. This
exclusion creates spiritual ramifications, and these force dynamic changes in
intelligence. When the logic and authority is bona fide, those changes are
evolutionary. When something is both shastric and logical, it automatically shatters
and constrains anything which had previously covered it.” I had felt
like this after having initially read the Bhaktivedanta purports, as well as
reading Bhagavatam slokas in the library. Now I was feeling the very same thing again.
I felt such relief. I also started watching and listening to the videos
available at this site. I could now see things more clearly, and I felt
fearless. I got this realization that the so-called devotees I had been
associated with were all karmis. They had made their
ashram a joint mess. I was also re-developing faith to follow the bhakti
process at home, after reading On Sufficient Guidance. I studied this article thoroughly. I
then found it easy to deal with other temple devotees, who, by this time, were
neglecting me. I wanted to tell them about these articles. Spring of
2012 was approaching, my exams were finally over, and, the next day, I was a
bit late for mangal arati.
I received a message from a senior devotee to empty my space in order to
accommodate a new man, and I did that enthusiastically. I sent off an e-mail to
Bhakta Eric Johanson. Then, on Eric prabhu’s advice, a week after recovering
from a minor accident, I went to the temple and collected my belongings. I did
not want to be confronted by anyone. While returning home, I was feeling
joyous. I was soon engaged in translation seva for
the Vaishnava Foundation. I was slow
to begin it, however. I visited the temple one day, on plea of a Vaishnava
Training Academy devotee who had arrived from Delhi for a few months in the
month of January. After translating, I experienced a new spurt of energy; I was
feeling confident that day. I was picking up. He was quite charismatic and
well-liked by everyone. He was leaving to return to Delhi, so he mentioned he
wanted to see me one last time. I thought I would preach to him and inform him
about all these bogus guru issues. I had found him more sane than most of the
other devotees and a bit more clear-headed, but he was initiated by Gopal Krishna Swami. However, as soon as I reached temple,
he was nowhere to be found. I went to
the book stall, and I saw the departmental head with his team of chelas in full
swing. I just stood there, and, in the meantime, spoke to a devotee who had
been friendly to me. Previously that day, he had also called me. I spoke to him
and confronted him with the issues. He was hearing patiently, but, at a certain
point, he started attacking every point I made. He said how
he had been part of the institution for four years, how all the devotees had
helped him, how he was even allowed an accommodation, personal income from
distributing books. He advised me not to think about politics. I left him and
then bumped into my mentor. He asked me why I had stopped coming to temple. Now
I realized I had made a mistake by speaking too freely. Finally, the
devotee whom I had come to meet asked me to accompany him to the VTA room. Many
devotees were present; it was a set-up. They were not happy to see me. He
started love-bombing me. He told me that devotee association is very important.
To some extent, the whole experience psyched me out, and, as a result, on the
way back home, I wasn’t feeling good. I felt I shouldn’t have gone there that
day and felt sorry for myself. Soon after
this, I e-mailed Eric prabhu and concentrated more on translation work. Also, a few days after this incident, I found
I had some belongings of that departmental head (it was a bag he had given me
for book distribution). So, I decided to return it to him. I was more cautious
this time, and I gave him his belongings and decided to leave. I think I was subconsciously wanting to confront him, to let him know
the facts and the truth. He asked me
to keep the item, saying it now belonged to me. Then he asked me how I was
carrying on with my sadhana at home, whether I was still chanting or not. I
answered in the affirmative. He calmly explained the importance of chanting in
devotee association. Then I straightway said that “ISKCON” had deviated from
Srila Prabhupada’s instructions. I first presented him with a brief idea of the
first transformation, the selection of gurus by ecclesiastical process
(Adi-lila, 1.35, purport). He got quite
agitated and presented a time, place, and circumstance rationalization. I
stressed the term ecclesiastical. He did not know of it, so he asked me what it
meant. Then, when I told him, he stated that I was directly trying to interpret
Jiva Goswami. I asked him how a guru should be selected. He told me that those
who like a certain devotee’s preaching, as long as he was one of the approved
gurus of “ISKCON,” they can then ask him to become their diksa-guru. I told him
that this is what Srila Jiva Goswami’s warning is all
about, and it’s confirmed in Srila Prabhupada’s purports. I told him how the
procedure of appointing gurus, by veto or by vote or by no objection
certificate is all bogus. He again
argued time, place, and circumstance. He claimed there had been a successful
reformation. This argument set me back a bit. I replied that, although such was
the case, a large number of devotees still believed all the zonal acharyas were bona fide. He covered that by saying they
only made a mistake. It was O.K. now. He
said we should not target devotees like this, since that is Vaishnava aparadha.
I told him if a person falls down, then why in the first place he should have
become guru. He asked if
I was free from falling down. He again warned me that I was offending them. He
told that there were qualified devotees now, citing Bhakti Caru
as his leading example. I raised the topic of the book changes. This made him
severely agitated, red with anger. He asked me to read some position papers so
I could get my misconceptions solved. He told my that
my attitude had worsened and said it was becoming detrimental. He then bluntly
told me that I was not advancing in spiritual life. I again
contacted Eric prabhu. Over next couple of weeks, I would receive calls from
that book distributor mentor. He would just go on speaking. In the beginning, I
got rather angry, but later I answered him with cooly
and soberly. I also received those aforementioned position papers. Much before
this time at college, I had met one former “ISKCON” devotee, who had been a brahmacari and, after that, had enrolled for a course a
year back. However, he had left college
some years ago when he joined the Mumbai temple. He found contradictions, so he
had decided to shift back outside after a few months. He had warned me to be
careful not to join the temple, but I did not listen to him, because I thought
he was weak. I met him again now, as our classes were on the same floor. I started
discussing the deviations with him. He thought his initiation was bona fide and
told me that we must not read shastras; let the
scholars discuss the controversies. He had inquired from his guru about the
1978 deviations, and he told me that they are all humble since that time,
having admitted their faults--after all, everyone is conditioned. He asked me
what I would have done. They should still be respected since they had served
Srila Prabhupada, and the way they were now doing it was the only way the
parampara could go on. However, he
really did not fazed me. I am now a member of the Vaishnava Foundation
and engaged in its service. Looking
back, there was really no alternative. I had confirmed this organization’s
thesis, and that excluded all of the other rationalizations these so-called
devotees presented. My decision had made
a dynamic change in my intelligence. I
was now on the path of eternity, having surpassed the station of the temporary,
represented by “ISKCON” and its apologists.
My path is now shastric, logical, and has
shattered whatever sentimental attachment I had previously had for the
temporary cult. All glories to the teachings of Sri Sri
Guru and Gauranga. OM TAT SAT ![]() Quotes from the books of His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada are copyright by the Bhaktivedanta Book Trust |